CHOCOLATE FESTIVAL 2010 / ШОКОЛАДНЫЙ ФЕСТИВАЛЬ 2010

ШОКОЛАДНЫЙ ФЕСТИВАЛЬ from zoë wolkoff on Vimeo.

In an extended fit of Slavophilia, we decided to give these Russian candies a whirl. Since we can't read Russian (and have no immediate access to Russians til next week) we will name these bonbons in accordance with their thrilling labels and place the in order from least to most palatable.

1. Squirrel Chocolate

The package alleges a hazelnut filling, but this was an unsettlingly chalky little log of waxen disappointment. Zelda observed that the squirrel mascot, upon close inspection, has a sinister face.

2. Frolicking Bears

Who could have guessed what this one would taste like, judging by the wrapper? Most bears live on fish, grubs and berries. Sadly, the delicacy of Frolicking Bears' crispy wafer filling fell shy of a good treat by its margin of bitterness. Zelda: "It tastes more plastic-y than the others."

3. Colonial Camel

Promising the aromas of foreign lands, this is Babaevskiy's answer to North America's Coffee Crisp. Not really a showstopper, but better 'meh' than 'egh!'

4. Buzum Buddies

A courtly couple are featured on this confection's package, eternally suspended in their enjoyment of chocolatey companionship. This candy smells 'darker' (on the chocolate spectrum) than the others sampled and has an enigmatic, nougat-like filling that won us over.

5. Contemplative Polar Bear

This seems to be the aurora borealis of today's tasting. Balanced sweetness and the absence of wooden texture made this our number one choice.

If the internets aren't lying to us, also in existence (damned if we know where to find them) are these Babaevskiy products by the following names:

By the Fireplace

Silly Girl

Cockerel Sweet Head

Forest Gourmand

Hide and Seek

Clumsy

Magic Flute and

Beloved City

It's contest time! How would you make people hungry for this chocolate with words? We invite you to select one or more of the treats listed above and write a blurb of ingenius product copy for it. Send it in to zoewolkoff@gmail.com. If your copy is selected for the top 3 best unknown chocolate promo schpiels, we'll design and post the appropriate label along with your entry! First place receives a modest bag of imported Russian chocolates. Deadline: March 28, 2010.

Good citizens of the internet! A new post is in the works and is expected to wash up on the shores of Pheasantland in days to come. It might be as good as this:

Be ye forewarned.

BRIGHTON BEACH

Did you know that Brighton Beach is the best place in Brooklyn? It is scientifically proven. And we are the only people who know. So essentially, we're letting you in on a Revolution. We could tell you what you stand to gain by visiting this stretch of litter-addled, seagull-infested sand. We could tell you that you'll glimpse Brooklyn's leading Slavic Seniors gossiping on folding chairs and practicing calisthenics in all seasons, barely clad, along the shallow, contaminated waves of the Atlantic. Or we could accurately promise you Russian delicacies like pickled watermelon, salmon egg crepes and assorted vareniki (from cheese to cherry) at the local digs. But more importantly, if you don't go there, what do you stand to lose? EVERYTHING.

We suggest that you find a ghetto-blaster in the local bargain-basement and two sides of an entire audio cassette with a rendition of Коробейники (Romanization: Korobeiniki), or, "The Tetris Song" so that you can bask in the cultural relativism of it all and maybe break the ice with some locals. What for our generation is largely associated with sleepover party gaming and those weird night-time Tetris visions you get when you played for too long is actually a olden-days club hit cooked up in Nikolay Nekrasov in 1861. Recounting a tale of teen debauchery in a rye field between a peddler and his dark eyed client, this racy but era-appropriate classic leaves plenty to the imagination. Perhaps if the unsavory present-day vendors lurking around the stairs leading to the Brighton subway were so gifted in courtly speak, they'd garner a greater romantic fee for their contraband wares...

"I paid no small price myself,
So don't bargain or be stingy,
Bring your scarlet lips to me,
Sit closer to this fine lad."

We hereby submit this hypothesis to peer review. No one's allowed contest Brighton Beach's borough-specific primacy until they've gone and done the research themselves. Take the B or Q train to the selfsame stop and walk 2 blocks to the ocean. From there, follow the boardwalk to the unmistakable Coney Island, stopping along the way to walk the pier, gawk at Arctic sunbathers and cluck your tongue at unforgivable dog owners as the sands of time chase your heels, and strains of Mother Russia's lullaby whet the appetite for dill and brine. We expect a full report in longhand on our desk by Monday morning.

SMALL FACES

We are Zelda Myrrh and Siberia Golden, enchantingly complected Canuck sisters living Stateside beneath an entanglement of elevated subway tracks and homing pigeons. Please enjoy our humble offerings. If you don't today, we're sure you'll get around to liking them.